Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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