Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There r osticjed everywhere
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
