Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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