we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
