just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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