Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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