Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
