he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
