Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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