Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He passed out mid-signature
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
