this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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