woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
