i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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