True but thats because hes a fetus.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
