the condom got lost in my hair
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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