Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
