I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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