I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
