I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
