for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
