Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
