sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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