So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
