Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
