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In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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