you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
