so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
