someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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