Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
