the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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