If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize