i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there was a trapeze. enough said
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
