Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
