i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
