I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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