i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
