i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
