Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?