Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
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You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.