Texts From Last Night

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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.

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  (248): I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out. http://tfl.nu/085c
  Replies (2) Good night (486) Bad night (2273)
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  (530): View more from California

  Those balls look pretty dangerous.

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  (530): Those balls look pretty dangerous. http://tfl.nu/vdt4
  Replies (6) Good night (2860) Bad night (835)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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  (256): It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops. http://tfl.nu/42cm
  Replies (12) Good night (5840) Bad night (804)
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  (845): View more from New York

  he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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  (845): he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/o5gt
  Replies (37) Good night (6422) Bad night (1345)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
  Replies (26) Good night (17517) Bad night (1205)
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  (310): View more from California

  He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.

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  (310): He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls. http://tfl.nu/jh5k
  Replies (17) Good night (724) Bad night (3559)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it

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  (603): In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it http://tfl.nu/f0et
  Replies (8) Good night (1130) Bad night (2954)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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  (360): well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home http://tfl.nu/1sb0
  Replies (8) Good night (2725) Bad night (602)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
  Replies (16) Good night (4187) Bad night (704)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

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  (913): Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time http://tfl.nu/0t2u
  Replies (11) Good night (1069) Bad night (537)
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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  (606): I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died. http://tfl.nu/jcdc
  Replies (7) Good night (1433) Bad night (849)
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  (949): View more from California

  I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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  (949): I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night. http://tfl.nu/qme4
  Replies (9) Good night (1316) Bad night (530)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.

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  (210): It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs. http://tfl.nu/dihg
  Replies (2) Good night (751) Bad night (324)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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  (+44): This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner. http://tfl.nu/2gdm
  Replies (2) Good night (360) Bad night (818)
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  (831): View more from California

  my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.

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  (831): my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate. http://tfl.nu/8t7a
  Replies (1) Good night (565) Bad night (206)

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