im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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