I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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