at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
they need to just BURY HIM!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
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he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
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Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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