M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
