He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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