So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
