Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
