What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
