my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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