call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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