so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
