You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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