waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
