My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
