I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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