This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
