3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
