Only a mothe r could love this liver
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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