I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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