so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
