It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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